How does an accountant stay out of debt?
He learns to act his wage.
Did you hear about the blonde Management Accountant?
She went to see her fitness trainer to talk about stretch targets.
What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don’t? Depreciation.
Why do economists exist? So accountants have someone to laugh at.
There are just two rules for creating a successful accountancy business: 1. Don’t tell them everything you know. 2. [Redacted]
What does an accountant say when you ask him the time? It’s 9.18 am and 12 seconds; no wait – 13 seconds, no wait – 14 seconds, no wait……
Why was the accountant so excited that he completed a jigsaw puzzle in only 59 weeks? Because on the box it said 8-12 Years.
What’s an extroverted accountant? One who looks at your shoes while he’s talking to you instead of his own.
What does an accountant say when boarding a train? ‘Mind the GAAP’.
It’s 4:04. Do you know where your auditor is?
What is the definition of “accountant”? Someone who solves a problem you didn’t know you had in a way you don’t understand.
How do you know when an accountant is on holiday? He doesn’t wear a tie and comes in after 8am!
Why did God invent economists? So accountants could have someone to laugh at.
What’s grey and not there? An accountant on vacation.
Why do accountants make good lovers? They’re great with figures.
Be audit you can be.
What do actuaries do to liven up their office party? Invite an accountant.
What is the definition of a good tax accountant? Someone who has a loophole named after him.
A woman went to the doctor who told her she only had 6 months to live.
“Oh my God!” said the woman. “What shall I do?”
“Marry an accountant,” suggested the doctor.
“Why?” asked the woman. “Will that make me live longer?”
“No,” replied the doctor. “But it will SEEM longer.”
Why did the cannibal accountant get disciplined? For buttering up her clients.
Why don’t accountants read novels? Because the only numbers in them are page numbers.
It’s accrual world.
What’s the difference between an accountant and a lawyer? The accountant knows he’s boring.
Did you hear about the fraudulent Irish Finance Director? He burned his office down trying to cook the books.
What’s an accountant’s favourite book? 50 Shades of Grey.
What music is played at a financial accountant’s funeral? The Last Post.
What do you call a financial controller who always works through lunch, takes two days holiday every two years, is in the office every weekend, and leaves every night after 10 p.m.? Lazy.
Why do some accountants decide to become actuaries? They find bookkeeping too exciting.
Did you hear about the cannibal CPA? She charges an arm and a leg.
Have you heard the joke about the interesting accountant? No. Me neither.
What do you call an accountant who says he’s posted a one-sided journal? A liar!! Under Sarbox rules it just can’t happen! Can it??!!
Did you hear about the constipated CFO? He couldn’t budget with his calculator so he had to work it out with a pencil and paper.
What do you call an accountant without a spreadsheet? Lost.
How do you drive an accountant completely insane? Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him and fold a road map the wrong way.
Where do homeless accountants live? In a tax shelter.
Why are accountants always so calm, composed, and methodical? They have strong internal controls.
Why do accountants get excited at the weekends? Because they can wear casual clothes to work.
Why don’t old accountants die? They just lose their balance!
Why did the accountant stare at his glass of orange juice for three hours? Because on the box it said Concentrate.
What’s an actuary? An accountant without the sense of humour.
Did you hear about the deviant Forensic Accountant? He got his client’s charges reduced from gross indecency to net indecency.
What do accountants do for fun? Add the telephone book!
If an accountant’s wife cannot sleep, what does she say? “Darling, could you tell me about your work.”
Why was the accountant in rehab? Solvency abuse.
What’s grey on the inside and red on the outside? An accountant turned inside out.
How do accountants make a bold fashion statement? Wear their dark grey socks instead of the light grey.
How does an accountant trash their hotel room? By refusing to fill in the Guest Comment Card.
What is the definition of an insolvency practitioner? Someone who arrives after the battle, bayonets all the wounded, pawns their possessions and charges their time to the relatives.
There are 3 types of accountants. Those who can count and those who can’t.
What’s grey has 6 legs, 2 arms and is twenty feet tall? An accountant riding an elephant.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
What do you call an accountant without a calculator? Lonely.
How was copper wire invented? 2 accountants were arguing over a penny.
An accountancy student asks a partner to explain ethics in accountancy. The partner thinks for a moment and relates the following.
‘Mr Jones, one of our clients, came to see me last week and paid me his bill of £1,000 in cash. As he left I counted the notes and they came to £1,100.
The student said. ‘ I see. The ethics question is do I tell the client?’
The question is do I tell my partner’
Welcome to the accounting department, where everybody counts.
What do you call an accountant who is seen talking to someone? Popular
How can you tell when the chief accountant is getting soft? When he actually listens to marketing before saying no.
What’s the most wicked thing a group of young accountants can do? Go into town and gang-audit someone.
What do you call a group financial controller who’s lost his job? Bob.
An economist is someone who didn’t have enough personality to become an accountant.
Why did the auditor get run over crossing the road? Auditors never actually do the risk assessment well until after the accident happens.
Two accountants are in a bank, when armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the accountants, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc. While this is going on accountant number one jams something in accountant number two’s hand. Without looking down, accountant number two whispers, “What is this?” to which accountant number one replies, “it’s that $50 I owe you.”
How many accountants does it take to change a light bulb? How much money do you have?
What does CPA stand for? Can’t Pass Again.
How does Santa’s accountant value his sleigh? Net Present Value.
What do you call a trial balance that doesn’t balance? A late night.
What did the accountant say when he looked at the tax form? The man who set the standard deduction must have been a bachelor. I am lying when I am listing myself as a head of household.
An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. “Doctor, I just can’t get to sleep at night.” “Have you tried counting sheep?” “That’s the problem – I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it.”
A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, “Want to hear an accountant joke?” The guy next to him replies, “Well, before you tell that joke, you should know that I’m 6 feet tall, 200 pounds, and I’m an accountant. And the guy sitting next to me is 6’2″ tall, 225 pounds, and he’s an accountant. Now, do you still want to tell that joke?” The first guy says, “No, I don’t want to have to explain it two times.”
Budget: An orderly system for living beyond your means.
What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don’t? Depreciation.
What did the accountant say when he got a blank check? My deductions have at last caught up with the salary.
Did you hear about the shy and retiring accountant? The accountant is $1 million shy and hence is retiring.
A business owner tells her friend that she is desperately searching for an accountant. Her friend asks, “Didn’t your company hire an accountant a short while ago?” The business owner replies, “That’s the accountant I’ve been searching for.”
Accounting for Dummies. What’s the big deal? Cr. Cash Dr. Dummies. Simple.
Accountants don’t die, they get derecognized
Four Laws of Accounting:
1. Trial balances don’t.
2. Bank reconciliations never do.
3. Working capital does not.
4. Return on investments never will.